Finding yourself

There are going to be times in life where you get a little lost or you feel like part of your soul is missing, I’m sorry it just happens. It can also happen for a number of reasons and in the last three years I have gone through a few of them.

The First time I lost myself was during my hospital stay after the stroke:I couldn’t move half my body, My peripheral vision was gone and My whole life had changed. I’m not going to lie each one of those things scared me deep into my core once they took me off the pain meds. With pessimistic doctors breathing down my neck all day there were even points were I questioned what kind of life I would be living If I didn’t recover anymore. After being an emotional wreck every night when no one was around for a week or two. I was really afraid I would never live out any of my dreams and life goals. There was also a big fear of mine that this would break me and I would stop recovering. One night while over thinking life I just decided that I was going to kick so stroke recovery ass, there was nothing that could really stop me from kicking major butt in each of my sessions.

The second time would be when I moved to another province after high school and had to figure out what I wanted  from life, When I graduated I got a job in what I thought I wanted to do for a career and I absolutely hated It. I was into the artistry side of cosmetic but not the salesman aspect of the industry. I was good at making sales, but i’m not meant to be in sales. I would much rather sell someone the right product without up selling them.

the Third time It was trying to figure out what to major in after hating my second choice . This brought me to a point where I took a semester off, then took an english course for fun and decided through some soul-searching free writes that I needed to go back to one of the other things I was good at: English,psychology, or some form of art. Somehow that lead me to starting a new blog, and currently  writing a couple of books, I feel like with all my recent changes and the relatively upward curve I’m seeing I feel like I’m found again. for the first time in years I feel like I might actually know what’s going on.

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Time For Change?

Yesterday I spent the day trying to figure out what needed to change in my daily and weekly routine to occupy the days where I don’t feel like writing non-fiction, but still feel like writing. This week I got a little frustrated with the jacket so I’m putting sewing off until I’ve got a clear mind, which doesn’t happen often. By the end of the night I came up woth a solution that I feel pretty good about for the time being.

There are a few different stories I’ve wanted to write out that are fiction. On days were I’m just not into writing the book about my stroke I’m going to start working on other writing endeavors. Being the nerd that I am I’m pretty stoked to start exercising my creative writing skills again. I used to write short stories all th time but haven’t done it in years so this could be a little rusty at the start. 

This weekend I also spent lots of time meditating. I’ve been off all last week so I was trying to fix that so I feel less blah this week. Me time has to increase from time to time to stay balanced.  Tomorrow might be a great day to grab coffee and people watch if it’s still nice and warm here.  I feel good about where I’m at in life right now. 

How was your weekend?

Addy

Shifting Into Drive 

The last few days have been insanely productive and I couldn’t feel better about it. Yes I know I didn’t do a month 36 recap as I should have, but I’m over it. This week I’m really thankful that I started this blog and get to interact with all of you. Every day seems to be a step in the right direction. There’s also been ample alone time and several solo dance parties so I am having a great week even with a lack of sleep. 

Once today is over I will have written the 5th chapter of the book and the combined chapter representing both the 6th and seventh parts. I’m on a role in distracted environments. Right now I actually feel like I could have the first draft done this year. Writing by hand and seeing a daily improvement in my hand has also helped the process. It feels great going through everything I need to write out abd not getting choked up so I may have to stick to this distracted method of writing for a while. It’s going great and that makes me want to not change anything about it.

The international friendships I’ve gained through starting this blog make me wish that I had started it a heck of a lot sooner. Reading your posts and chatting with you guys really feeds my soul. Thank you for keeping me sane while trying to write this book which at times has seemed mind boggling. I just hope that once I’m traveling again I hope I get to meet a lot of you. I also wish that the love I see between the WordPress community was the same as what I see outside on day to day life.

Each day I get up and figure out what I need to have a great day sometimes that’s weights or jogging but today that was a solo dance party with noise cancelling headphones because one of my house mates is on night shift. There’s this strange yet wonderful feeling about embracing my inner stripper with loud music. Takes me from a 6 from not being a morning person to a full 10 pretty fast. Knowing what can fix my day at any time has definitely helped me take full control of my life. Being me is my favorite thing about being single I can be silly and just do life instead of trying to make sure someone else’s needs are alays met. 

How was your day?

Addy 

There’s No Fight Left 

I was born a fighter, and yet as I sit here there is literally no fight left. There are countless reasons that have lead to this, but I’m only going to cover the most substantial ones. Perhaps spending every second of the last 3 years just trying to get my body to function as it used to. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live in a world that has more hate than love. Or perhaps it’s that I’ve fought my whole life just to be myself and it’s never enough. I’m not sorry I am who I am and if anyone wants to debate or argue my choices don’t even think about it, just keep it to yourself. 

My whole life I’ve had a lot medically going on, but more so in the last three years trying to recover from a left side hemiplegia. By the time I was eleven I knew and fully understood my “disease” I was epileptic which lead to a very controlled environment with much less of a childhood. I was diagnosed at age 3 and had a few years seizure free from around age seven to age eleven. From age eleven to fifteen I was an epileptic mess with the frequency increasing from once a month to three or four times a week. This lead to the testing of my first brain surgery which  was successful for 8 months before I started having them again. Thankfully less often, but at 14 months post op I had more in 3 days than I did in a bad month which resulted in a second surgery resulting in a stroke.

I’m also really sick of all the hate in the world around us. I shouldn’t hear any hate or descrimination of any kind. People can be so horribke to onebanother and it is seen as acceptable by the masses. I hope that in my life time the world does become a better place than it is right now. This is the 21st century and for some messed up reason there are countries regressing out there. I’d especially love it if that by the time I die there’s no more wars going on on the whole earth because none of that is necessary in any case.

It’s taken a heck of a lot of hard work to get to where I am right now. Right now since everything has calmed down I need to just chill out and try and recouperate. Yes I’ve made mistakes, but all of my choices were my own and quite frankly I’m just proud that I’m alive to tell my stories. If someone doesn’t want to be in my life I dont want them to be. I am who I am take me or leave me I’m not going to fight anymore.

Cheers 🙂

Addy 

First day back 

Like usual the first day always feels pretty great especially after two weels away from the book. I started off my lifting weights after drinking three very full cups of coffee just to get pumped up for the day and it felt pretty darn great too. Today was my first day back at writing the book and thanks to modifying my method a little it was fairly productive. Then I ended by hanging out with one of my best friends for a few hours just catching up on life over the last few weeks. All in all today was a great day because I’m chosing to ignore the bad things that happened.

Getting back into the book I’m trying a slightly different approach in an attempt to get a ltitle or a lot less emotional. Instead of heading to a quite place with the 0erfect writing playlist I decided to take a slightly more distracted approach. I sat in the loudest area of my house with loud noises and a person that slams a lot of doors. It was not a smooth writing session but I was able to just get out the facts without getting teary eyed. I also wrote about half of it with my affected side instead of my dominant side. Writing by hand for a few hours was a great way to incorporate occupational therapy into daily life. I feel like my body is almost fully recovered with just a few kinks to work out.

It was also great to get caught up woth one of my best friends. Now that both of us have things happening in life we try to squeeze in a weekly visit, but this month that hasn’t really happened so today was very needed. When we connect it’s like nothing had changed crude jokes and belly laughs are pretty much the foundation of our friendship and I’m glad that even when I lived eight hors away we were able to maintain our friendship. It’s nice to just relax and ignore everything else that’s going on in life for a while.

Something Bitter Sweet

Tomorrow  is  January 21st, 2017 and it  marks the 3rd anniversary of my last brain surgery and the stroke resulting in a left side hemiplegia. Tomorrow is one of those days that I’m both very proud and sort of mourning the event like someone died. I’m most likily filled with mixed emotions on this day because I’ve never seen it as the catastrophic life ruining event that the people around me feel it is. Yes it was an unfortunate thing to happen, but lots of good came out of it. below I’ll be attempting to emphasize more of the positives than negatives to better understand where I stand on this.

With the stroke I got to see the entire world from a new perspective and not just because it started out in a wheelchair. I learned to not plan everything out and to just go with the flow living in the moment. People say that it stole a couple years of experiences from me. I disagree with this one the most because it just forced me to grow up a little faster than the other people my age. It definitely changed the things I experienced while recovering, but in no way did it take anything away from me. Even the blind spots have come in handy in multiple situations and I will probably miss them once they are healed up.

I love being able to turn my head just a few degrees and not have to see something that I didn’t want to see. As my optic nerve is healing I’m losing this skill and I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I also lover that I’m very close to a full recovery and not once in the last three years did I give up on this process. The stroke showed me a level of perseverance that I didn’t even know I had. Three years of toughing out every day and I stuck with it. I’m mostly just proud of myself and I’m leaving more in depth issues for you guys to read about once I get the book finished and publushed. 

Cheers,

Addy