Tough Days In Recovery

If you’ve experienced a type of plegia you’ll likily understand the things I’m about to talk about. the good days are great and the tough ones can be nothing but a struggle.they are the days where it starts off on a bad note and it doesn’t go up from there. the days where I’m left wondering if I’ll ever live a normal life ever again. There’s even a list of things that start it off this way.

  1. collapsing trying to get out of bed 
  2. Not being able to move appendages the way I’m supposed to.
  3. Not being able to control the muscles in my face 

Collapsing trying to get out of bed is my number one least favorite way to start the day. I can guarantee that I won’t leave the house do to the fear of collapsing in public. It’s definitely a fear of mine that one day I’ll be walking down the street and my knee will give out leaving me sprawled out, face in a concrete sidewalk, and possibly end up back in a hospital. I’ve spent so much time in hospitals my family has learned to carry either an uno deck or a deck of cards in case they get the call. Logical reason to avoid them like the black plague right.

Another big one is the inability to move certain things. For example I can only rarely move my toes on the affected side, less than half the time is it a controlled movement that I was trying for. Or when I could move a specific way the day before, but can’t the next day it gets both very frustrating and defeating. Sure this is common when a neurological pathways is weak due to retraining my neurons to fire correctly again, but it still sucks. Being a perfectionist has definitely helped and hindered this process equally. Sometimes the muscles are sore too, usually this happens the day after overdoing it. 

Then there’s the one that’s equally not fun. imagine your body telling you you’re too stressed and not dealing with it properly by not having control of the muscles in your face. imagine walking into the bathroom to see that you can’t even smile. the only way I can describes  how that feels is it’s  kind of like the skin is falling off my face. this is for sure the scariest scariest thing I deal with since the stroke. it is also the other thing that will cause me to clear my calendar and spend an entire day at home either relaxing or writing. Days where it is obvious that I have a slight disability are the ones where I can guarantee you won’t see me out and about. 

These are just the most prominent things on my tough Days. There are many other smaller ones, but this should be enough to paint the picture. Those listed above I think are enough for anyone to understand that I’ve usually got enough on my mind to not care about “first world problems”. I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy for fake miniscule problems. If you come to me with some deep shit you need to get off your chest I promise I’ll listen. Just  remember that just because I keep most of my struggles to myself doesn’t mean I’m not going through my own things. 

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